Exhausted, sick and overworked David and I decided driving back and forth this week couldn’t happen. 9 days disconnected. A happy little gal knocked on the warehouse door today with a beautiful sunflower bouquet. It’s hard not to immediately think of how expensive these things are when you are working so hard, but how can you not let your heart explode all over these yellow miniature sunshines. Charlie wanted one to put in his own cup of water. We tore up the sunroom with legos, snacks and art supplies. No phones or tablets for 2 hours. A beautiful mix of Roseanne Cash, John Prine, Rodney Crowell and Lucinda Williams circling from the kitchen.
Studying seahorses tonight. Quick drawings, a quick watercolor and a lengthy large drawing on a canvas I am not sure is good enough to start painting. Charlie is singing songs about kisses and hugs. I am fighting opening a bottle of wine. Maybe I should just go wash my face and brush my teeth and turn on the tv.
I wanted to sleep in until 10 but I woke up at 7:30 and started making coffee and feeding birds. I guess I just missed the sunrise and I do hate missing that. In my head I was writing a song but the coffee turned it off before I could type it all out so I started doing what I financially needed to do and listed some guitar parts on eBay.
Melancholy has been my companion lately. Sometimes good in the evening when I want to paint and brood but most times a negative. I don’t need it to paint. It doesn’t have to be why an artist creates but it does help create different settings, strange landscapes and a complete palette change. None of that is usually worth it staying around. The worst part about it is no one can help you and no matter what beautiful things are surrounding you it lingers, unless… Unless you can some how decide it is leaving. Is it a decision? I always say it is and if I don’t believe that I may not decide to let go of Melancholy.
Tomorrow is Monday and I am hoping the start of the work week can be a new start. I have reset myself 12 times in 16 weeks. So close to warm weather but today it has been in the 30s. I can’t stay in Ohio the rest of my life. The spring in all its glory always tricks my heart. Charlie needs my sunshine so I will move forward with this personal intervention today.
I hate missing David but playing music here doesn’t work for him. We probably need to sell the house here and find a place to live in TN close to Nashville. My business can work either place but my family? And everything is so expensive there now. The apartment there has worked for us until now. Now, It’s just prolonging the inevitable. Not feeling like this conversation but I am getting too weary for the in-between. David had a drop in show. It was kind of shitty how it fell in but it was a CMT video filming. Professional level stuff. I can’t make choices for him. I want him to be happy. He has to be excited to do things like this but at the same time if it is blowing up our schedule it is hard on us too. And he never has time for his own voice….his own creations. We have some hard decisions to make in the next 6 months.
I made two pieces of art today. I struggled last night to paint a tulip. Wasn’t sure I would get through it. Drew it out in bed with one eye open. Almost gave up on my every day art experiment. Art doesn’t always have to be good. It doesn’t have to be tedious. I don’t have to toil and create something to frame for it to be a creation. This is teaching me how to get better. Getting better and enjoying the process is what I tell myself is important. I need to actually believe that.
I made a little pink bird that I am not sure is a real thing but I saw the photo on the internet and saved it. I gave it a human eye so it’s a little kooky. When I posted it on Facebook a beautiful little hippie girl from my Zanesville circle wanted me to paint a photo of her cat that just passed. I can’t commission so I said I would try for free if she sent photos. I am horrible with the expectations. Especially expectations about a pet that has crossed over the rainbow bridge. I tried. Orange cat was a little skinny but I think I captured his glow. Best part was that It made Charlie giggle and dream of his own orange cat.
Currently I am in some sort of robot Lego loop with Charlie that I really don’t want to be. I do know I have to play Legos now because he has given me a considerable amount of hours today to work and art.
Not much time left for art at the end of this high-stress, big-work, Friday. Here we have some more high hopes for spring in the eye of a daffodil.
My friend Carrie organized a hike on Facebook. 5 people showed up. All really nice. Very casual tromp around the Dawes Arboretum in Newark, Ohio. It was in the middle of the day which worked out because Char was in school. It felt great to be out in the sun and in the woods. 3 miles. I stayed and painted a flower with Char’s kid watercolors I keep in my purse.
I am really not in a good place with my health and weight and overall mental outlook. So, so, so looking forward to warm days.
David and I are working on a song about a cardinal that comes to visit in a time of mourning. I want to make a really special image of it for the songs placeholder. As special as I feel the song is. I don’t think this is the one but it’s what I worked on today.
Usually it is more comfortable to paint and I find sketching the hard work. I need to just sketch more. Put in that practice time. It always makes a better painting. This one was the opposite. Painting it was driving me batty. Mostly happy with it.